Writing About Other People, Pt. 2
And how to write when afraid
Ideally, we’re the only person to suffer from our writing. But other people make it about them, and we have to deal with that/them.
I’ve written about writing about other people, but my previous post didn’t solve everyone’s problems, so here’s more:
Blame yourself. Take some or all of the responsibility because it shows you’ve “grown” and are better than everyone else because you refuse to say so.
Redirect blame to where it’s due. To paraphrase Anne Lamott: if other people don’t want you to write about them, then they should not have dumped you.
Explain to other people that creative writing is not a photograph/documentary/therapy transcript. Writing isn’t “what happened.” Writing isn’t “shit-talking.” Writing is art, and in art we can be girls gone wild.
Explain that you turned everyone into “characters.” Other people, in writing, are not actual or whole people; they’re characters you wrote about creatively from your point of view to tell a certain story that sings. Even the writer plays a version of herself. In my writing, I play a better dancer than I am.
Make the good outnumber the bad. For every oral-sex scene, write 2-5 wedding ceremonies. For every “bad,” write more “good” and add more pathos—this way, other people will be so taken by your writing/soul that they won’t clock the blow-j scenes or be disturbed by their thoroughness.
Keep the piece in your perspective to keep it your story. It’s your god-given right to write your story your way. Hot tip: Let other people speak for themselves through their dialogue and behavior rather than your judgment.
Seduce. A good writer gets readers to see through their point of view; use that skill to convince other people to let you write about them.
Befriend lawyers. Don’t sleep on this tip.
Try not to go viral. Every writer gets upset when their writing doesn’t go viral, but if your writing doesn’t go viral, then it’s less likely that other people will read it and get mad at you.
Remember that people don’t read. The bright side: your family/exes may not read. You may assume that everyone will read your writing. They will not. (I had to beg my mom to read my memoir. My dad said he liked the first half better than the second because the second half was boring. My stepdad didn’t listen to the audiobook he bought. But what matters is I sold three books.)
Don’t assume. We do not know how other people will react, and they may not have the opinion we make up for them, unless you’re clairvoyant or telepathic or extremely good at guessing.
Fuck it; intentionally use other people. Being afraid of what other people think can point you toward your best stories.
Decide what secrets you don’t need to keep. E.g. I pop my zits, and my bleeding face is not a secret I need to keep. I can write and joke about it with zero consequences.
You can’t control what other people think or feel, so do whatever you want. Anything you share can make anyone mad. E.g. writing about my face will infuriate my mom because she believes zit-popping can and will cause face cancer (because if you do anything, you can and will get cancer).
You can make anything a problem, so do whatever you want. E.g. not writing about my face would not solve my problem. Even if my mom framed my acne writing, still I would find/create an issue, like, God may read about me popping Her creation. I don’t even believe in God, but suddenly I would because writers are that good at talking ourselves out of writing.
Remind yourself that silence is political! Other people in power want to take us back to a time where we don’t have full expression/autonomy/authority. Now more than ever, everyone needs to experience our full range of expression, whether they like it or not.
Accept that the messenger gets shot. Other people consider the telling or retelling the trespass, so someone who writes faces more legal problems than someone who doesn’t. Be willing to get arrested for your writing.
Just…don’t let what other people think contain you?
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Some ways to write when you’re afraid of other people:
Take small risks. Add one line or joke you’re afraid to add. If nothing bad ensues, then add another to the next piece.
See—don’t predict—what happens. You don’t know what will happen until it happens.
Change the filters on your social media so certain people don’t see certain personal essays.
Create separate social media accounts that are professional only.
Don’t write online. What’s so great about writing online anyway? Receiving feedback from strangers that you don’t need but will take seriously for some reason? Submit to venues that your family/friends/enemies/exes don’t read. Submit to venues no one reads.
Define your audience. Who is it? Your one dad? Probably not. Family is not the ideal reader. Don’t write to the people you’re scared of—then you’ll write like you’re scared. Write to the people who will thank you for articulating something they couldn’t. For every 1 family member you may hurt, you may help 5 to 5 million strangers, so. There.
New seminars!
Tragedy + Time: Nonfiction Tragicomedy Writing
Learn how to write “traumedy” and make readers laugh while punching them in the heart. Recommended for mature audiences. This is part of a series of classes, discussions, and shows focuses on grief through the lens of comedy.
March 9th (Sunday)
2-3pm
In person at The Kennedy Center in Washington D.C.
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You don’t have to be a celebrity comedian to write a funny memoir. You don’t have to be born with a sense of humor or have had anything funny happen to you. A memoirist must make a meal out of her experience, however minor, however unfunny–that’s the job, and that’s the job we’ll learn to do in this very good seminar.
March 30th (Sunday)
2-5pm
Online & recorded
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BE HYSTERICAL: A Seminar on Voice, Style, and Emotion
In this once-in-a-lifetime seminar, we’ll cover every element of style and how to use each one to sound like you on the page. We’ll also cover every emotion and how to use each one in writing to make readers understand you or fear you.
April 16th (Wednesday)
7-9:30pm ET
Online & recorded
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Writing the Impossible Seminar: Sex, Violence, Illness, and More
In this once-in-a-lifetime seminar, we’ll cover every element of style and how to use each one to sound like you on the page. We’ll also cover every emotion and how to use each one in writing to make readers understand you or fear you.
May 18th (Sunday)
2-5pm ET
Online & recorded
ICYMI: I’m Elissa Bassist, and I teach short conceptual humor/satire writing, funny personal essays, tragicomic memoir, emotional emails, and that’s it. I edit the “Funny Women” column on The Rumpus, and I wrote the award-deserving book Hysterical. My next book is Inside Jokes: A Comedy and Creativity Guide for All Writers, co-written with Caitlin Kunkel and forthcoming in 2026.
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I loved all of this. Should be required to read for any memoir writer! There’s a fork in the road which is, do I write truthfully from my lens? Or do I not write and not be me? If you can’t do the latter, then you follow Elissa’s advice and carry on.
"Don’t write to the people you’re scared of—then you’ll write like you’re scared. Write to the people who will thank you for articulating something they couldn’t" A million times yes!