How to Write About Other People

Without getting sued

First, a warning:

Once I wrote about my ex-“boyfriend” for The New York Times “Modern Love” column. After he and I had planned our wedding (on Gchat, theoretically), he was going to marry someone else, for real, or so I’d thought/he’d said.

My essay was titled (not by me) “The Never-to-Be Bride.” Post-publication, a woman wrote a letter to the editor and said that she, too, was my ex’s “never-to-be-bride.”

The editor forwarded me her email, and it was from the obviously fake email account “Great Love” greatforgottenlove@gmail.com, untraceable.

I confronted him, and he confronted her, but the second never-to-be-bride wasn’t the person he thought it was—she was someone else. That is, he had not only more than one “never-to-be-brides” but two, not including the woman he told me he’d thought he’d marry.

He didn’t marry the woman he told me he thought he’d marry, the one I wrote about him marrying in The New York Times. They didn’t even get engaged. Per Google, he’s married to a brand-new woman.

So, this can happen if you write about others and publish it, just FYI.

Knowing that, how does writing about other people work? I’ve written about exes, dads, moms, former bosses, and Bill Murray.

Actual last page of my book and trying to make it standard in all future books

…and here’s what I know about how to write about other people:

• Write like nobody’s reading.

• Write as if your family, exes, and enemies were illiterate. I cannot write one word if I think about my Aunt Janie knowing how to read.

• Date narcissists—they’ll love any writing whatsoever about them.

But if people will read and they are literate and alive, then:

• Wait until they’re dead.

• Don’t lie.

• Remember that it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission.

• Give people a heads-up. Risk it all, and show what you wrote to those you care about and ask if they’re okay with it. Or read aloud what you wrote to whomever you wrote about (I did this).

  • There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who won’t like themselves in print, no matter what, even if it’s flattering; and those who believe it’s an honor just to be mentioned.

  • I know many memoirists (thank you), and each was afraid of falling out with the people they wrote about, but it never happened. Often, the opposite happened: the writing started a dialogue that surprised everyone.

• Use pseudonyms—for you as the writer and/or for everyone else in the writing. My main ex in Hysterical is named Fucktaco. (I’m available to name your ex for your writing.)

• Obscure the other people until they’re unrecognizable. As Taylor Swift sings, “And so I changed your name and any real defining clues.”

• Decide what is important to you: speaking your truth or hurting no one’s feelings.

  • Let me guess: you don’t want anyone to be upset or embarrassed by you, so you keep quiet to keep the peace, and end up hurting your own feelings?

  • Decide who you care about hurting, and don’t hurt them.

  • Alternatively, who do you want to hurt? Writing a book to end a relationship is as good as any other method.

  • Don’t write about people with the intention to be mean. That’s bad writing, and it’s for an audience of one.

• Cut what makes you cringe. When you cross a line, you feel it. The body keeps every score!

• Consider power dynamics. I won’t elaborate further at this time.

• Explain to other people, “This is art.” My mom, after I explained “this is art” to her for years, now understands that I dramatize my feelings and situations to elicit an emotional reaction from readers, excluding her. I use her as a character to twist my art-knife. Now, she knows the difference between what happened and how I wrote about what happened to maximize drama and to make my point and to leave my mark. Some people may not be into understanding this, but it’s worth explaining what is art and what is shit-talk or a conversation with a therapist.

How do you survive writing about other people? What ex may I rename for you?

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Upcoming seminars and workshops to write about your exes and dads:

LAST CALL: Traumedy (Trauma + Comedy)

Learn to make readers laugh while PUNCHING THEM IN THE HEART. Prerequisite: being in therapy.

• June 26th (this Wednesday)

• 8-9:30pm ET

• Online (recording available)

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NEW: How to Publish a Tragicomic Memoir: A Craft Talk

Writing and publishing are two different jobs, and in this life-changing craft talk, we’ll focus on the latter. There will be real-talk about queries, proposals, blurbs, platform, and how landing an agent and an editor is like dating. What should you ask/tell yourself before/during/after publishing your work to acclaim or silence? I’ll tell all.

• July 8th (Monday)

• 2-3pm

• Online (recording available)

*

NEW: Short Humor & Satire Writing

Are you looking for ways to make friends as an adult and also write humor and satire? In this 2-day weekend workshop experience, we’ll break down the short comedy piece to write, rewrite, and publish our own. After two days, everyone will write/be funnier and will know how to conceive of, draft, polish, and submit short original humor and satire, but if not, it's not my fault. BYOB.

• August 10th & 11th (Saturday & Sunday)

• 6-9pm

• Online

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ICYMI: I’m Elissa Bassist, and I teach short humor and satire writing, funny personal essays, tragicomic memoir, emotional emails, and that’s it. I edit the “Funny Women” column on The Rumpus, and I wrote the award-deserving book Hysterical. My next book is Inside Jokes: A Comedy and Creativity Guide for All Writers, co-written with

Caitlin Kunkel

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