Rejection, part 7

"Reasons" your writing may not be accepted

Oct 17, 2023

∙ Paid

It’s all been building to this, the 13+ reasons why a stranger may heartlessly decline your life’s work/your heart’s soul/your shitty writing.

7. Reasons

I started the humor/satire column “Funny Women” in 2010, and since then, I’ve accepted and published hundreds of pieces — and I’ve rejected thousands. Here are my reasons, along with the reasons from other editors at The Rumpus, Reductress, and The New York Times.

You don’t read or follow the submission guidelines.
- Every outlet and column has different submission guidelines just to fuck with you. When a writer doesn’t follow the submission guidelines (and at least 25% of writers don’t), then I may reject the piece without guilt or hesitation.
You go against the carefully considered submission guidelines and explain why you’re an exception.
- Like, you submit poetry when the submission guidelines specify “no poetry whatsoever.” Or you go way over ~or~ way under the word count. Or you’re an unfunny man who submits to “Funny Women” (which happens once a month).
- If you do this, then you’ll experience rejection and 7 years bad sex.
- I’m so sorry, but your submission is never the exception.
Your submission shows that you haven’t read the outlet and don’t know what the editors publish.
- Publication is about fit. A piece may be great but “not a fit,” which means it doesn’t work for this outlet, not that it doesn’t work.
- I’ve rejected pieces for “Funny Women” have been published in NewYorker.com’s “Daily Shouts.” Which would make no sense if the above bullet point weren’t true.
You’re the ex of someone on staff.
- Publishing exes is hurtful to staff.

black tattoo on persons arm — Photo by peter bucks on Unsplash

Your submission feels like another venue’s voice, and it belongs elsewhere.
- But we’re not going to tell you where.
There’s a mismatch between writer and topic.
- Like, a cis-male Republican waxes poetic about menstruation. Or “someone writes about Black Lives Matter in a surface way or someone writes on a topic they don’t know or care much about,” says
  Caitlin Kunkel
  , long-time editor, satire guru, and viral writer.
- Readers can tell how much writers care and how much writers know about menstruation.
The editor didn’t sleep enough last night and didn’t drink enough coffee this morning and is having a bad day and made a mistake and now has regrets, big time.
- This falls under the umbrella of subjectivity.
  - Often, one reader with one subjective opinion reads submissions for one column or outlet that has one voice or vibe.
  - Also, like writers, readers may have bad taste or off-days.
  - In conclusion, because acceptance is subjective, rejection isn’t personal.
You have cover-letter issues, like:
- You shit-talk yourself, e.g., “I can’t write but hope you’ll tell me I can.”
- You’re flippant because you assume that the person reading your submission doesn’t care about you or your writing.
- You copied and pasted a previous cover letter that you sent to another publication.
- You’re too confident or not confident enough. You haven’t found that sweet spot between “I’m sorry” and “You’re welcome.”
  - Note: A cover letter cannot tank a submission, but it can put a reader in an icky mood, and a bad cover letter usually foreshadows a bad submission.
You don’t follow up . . .
- . . . especially when the submission guidelines specify you may follow up.
- Submissions fall through the cracks in this economy.
You used too many adverbs.
- Which shows you didn’t revise enough or get enough helpful feedback.
You resubmitted something new immediately after a rejection and didn’t take time to reflect.
- Editors can tell.
You submitted to a legacy institution that gatekeeps and publishes what it knows and loves.
Similarly, you rejected the outlet’s formula or the form’s formula and risked writing what you wanted.
Or you executed the formula perfectly and submitted something too similar to other accepted or published pieces.
You have bad timing.
- Publication is about timing.
- The publishing world may not be ready for your work, or it may be over work like yours, which means the publishing world and you need a therapist.
- Every venue has a publication calendar. An outlet may have published something similar too recently, so an editor must pass on your piece with regret. Editors must also reject good pieces when the publication calendar is full.
- This means there isn’t enough space for all the good work editors love.
  - But we don’t have enough time to tell you that we don’t have space.
You shopped for a dog and didn’t adopt.
- It’s an industry secret that if you don’t rescue animals, then your publishing career suffers.

two brown and white dogs running dirt road during daytime — Photo by Alvan Nee on Unsplash

You stop submitting.
- Years ago, an editor at a very popular site told me a trend he noticed: when rejected, cis men submit again immediately, and cis women never submit again.
You don’t believe in yourself and your dreams.
- Editors can tell.

parked white bicycle — Photo by Alex Azabache on Unsplash

These are general reasons why any given editor and outlet may not publish good or bad writing.

There are more involved reasons for rejection re: the writing itself that I’ll reveal to paid subscribers to thank them for paying me. (Below.)

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