Declare Email Bankruptcy
A writing tip
I owe literally everyone an email.
I’ve devoted entire therapy sessions to stressing about email. If I’m doing drugs, usually it’s to forget about my inbox.
Why?
Behind every unsent reply is a person who is mad at me, I assume. I haven’t spoken to some people in months/years because I owe them an email and am afraid of them.
In email, people ask the one question nobody can answer, “How are you?”
Every time I see a “How are you?” I shut down.
Email is the opportunity for people to want what you can’t give. To ask for a favor that you cannot deliver. To pick your addled brain. To take you away from your work and your television.
Really nice emails are the worst: the emails that someone thoughtfully and thoroughly wrote from the heart and proofread and workshopped. I’ll reply tomorrow, I tell myself, every single day. I’ve spent months/years telling myself I’ll reply tomorrow.
My inbox exists online and internally. It is always both places, accumulating.
I miss the phone call and the voicemail and the not typing or reading or marking as unread to read again later.
Email makes me feel like a bad person. Elected criminals and non-elected billionaire oligarchs are canceling democracy, and email makes me feel like a bad person.
And there’s also this: when I’m not checking email or emailing or thinking about email or avoiding email or deleting email, I’m waiting for email.
Can you imagine being any degree of famous? The emails!
Gmail wants me to pay for more storage, for more emails. Soon, I will pay to receive emails and to reply to emails. This, like everything else, is [words can’t describe this feeling].
Also, email? A champagne problem. A problem that I’m making a problem. A non-problem.
Some reasons I cannot reply to your email:
I want to write the best-ever reply to match your email, and I’m waiting until I have the time to write back in the way you deserve.
You thanked me, and I don’t know how to thank you back, but I want to figure it out, but I won’t.
You need me to promote something. I want to help you and would do anything to help you—except help you in the way you have asked because I want to be asleep instead.
You’re introducing me to someone for unknown reasons. If I can’t email people I do know, then I really can’t email people I don’t know, and I can’t email them about whatever you think I should email them about.
You answered a question I asked you, but I don’t care anymore.
The subject line is a variation of “Hello!” Oh god, oh god, oh god.
My mom thought it would be nice if we emailed.
I am a hypocrite. As an only child, I cannot stand to be ignored. But, as an introvert, if I don’t ignore most people, then I can’t function.
If you must email, do not:
Ask me “how” I “am” or “how” my “life” “is going.”
Let’s dispense with this “courtesy” question that takes no time to ask and all the time to answer.
Ask me to do literally anything.
Ask me to coffee, even if you’re buying.
I like my coffee like I like my men. I don’t like coffee.
Write over 100 words.
Emails need word counts. Low word counts.
If you must write a long email, then bold the important parts so I can skip the rest.
Reply to my email one second after you receive it. If I see your name immediately back in my inbox, we are in a fight.
Forget to include a photo of your pet.
Not attaching photos of pets is a missed opportunity for all.
If you send me a photo of your pet, I will reply quickly. If you don’t have a pet, adopt one.
May I suggest no more:
Proofreading emails. (Normalize mistakes.)
Rereading emails before you send them.
Running emails by someone else.
Apologizing for taking too long to reply.
Explaining why it took you so long to reply.
Explaining anything.
“Needing” a reply.
Thinking about email when not actively emailing.
Thinking.
Mentally drafting emails but not writing or sending them.
Sending time-sensitive emails.
Putting any expectation of time on email.
“I hope this email finds you well.”
Yes to:
Saying “thank you” instead of “I’m sorry.”
Example: “Thank you for your patience” vs. “I’m sorry for my delay but my soul has left my body”
Statements instead of questions. Questions prolong an exchange.
Example: “Let me know if you’re mad at me” vs. “Are you mad at me?”
Saying “no.” “No” is a complete email.
Taking no reply as a decent reply and not a negative reply.
If I don’t reply, it’s a compliment! Most of my non-replies are my kindest thoughts about you that I’m too overwhelmed to articulate. Meanwhile, most of my replies are thinly veiled vitriol.
Having go-to phrases to copy/paste to everyone about anything.
Example: “You’re nice to get in touch, but you caught me in the middle of crying and I’m absconding to the seaside to convalesce.”
Writing “No need to reply!” if you don’t need a reply. Write that as often as possible. Every time you write it, an angel gets its wings.
What are solutions?
Write subpar/fewer/fast/slow emails. Deeply question if the email needs to happen. Do AI. Learn telepathy. Become totally self-sufficient. Change your email signature to my old one: “Why is my email short, delayed, not proofread, or without soul, etc.? Read “Do You Want to Be Known for Your Writing, or for Your Swift Email Responses?” by
. Declare a personal emergency and limit emailing to one day per week. Take the #NoWorkEmailAfterWork pledge. Say things to yourself like, I’m not “bad at email”...I’m “good at my job.” Also: If I were on top of my emails, then I’d be behind on 48 seasons of Survivor. And: I think, therefore I quit.I know most of you will receive this newsletter via email. I will not be giving apologies at this time.
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ICYMI: I’m Elissa Bassist, and I teach short conceptual humor/satire writing, funny personal essays, tragicomic memoir, emotional emails, and that’s it. I edit the “Funny Women” column on The Rumpus, and I wrote the award-deserving book Hysterical. My next book is Inside Jokes: A Comedy and Creativity Guide for All Writers, co-written with
and forthcoming in 2026.
Consider smashing “paid” because I host monthly writing sessions for you.
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I hate email because it tends to send me down rabbit holes and suck up hours of my life doing things I don't need to do. I've taken to doing a quick sweep of my email on my phone to do the quick replies and delete the nonsense because it's harder to take action on my phone so I stay more focused. That said, my inbox has hundreds of unattended emails and it drives me nuts. I've considered taking a vacation just for the purpose of cleaning out my email but it seems like a waste of time I'd rather be doing anything else.